do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
