I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I want her autograph on my taint
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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