life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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