i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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