A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
