I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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