I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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