Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
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And the cops told us we were all naked.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
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Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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