It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
