Sorry, I don't speak sober.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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