i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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