I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
