I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
