Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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