I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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