I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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