I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
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He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
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I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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