hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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