there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
My dick has a subreddit
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
