My liver just broke up with me...
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
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