dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
