I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
