did you get engaged???
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
school has made you so classy.
that's mcgill. producing sluts since 1884.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He has the fingertips of a God
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