did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I am available for nakedness
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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