There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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