I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
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