Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
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