I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
