It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
