I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
