Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
