Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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