My sheets look like a crime scene.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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