I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
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