Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
