Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
