I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
