I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
