I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Another day, another engagement, another cat
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
