My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
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