Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
