Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
