I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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