I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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