Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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