He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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