it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
no more duck duck goose at the bar
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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