Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
