Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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