So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
