she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
