About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
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She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
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My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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