I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Dignity is for republicans.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
