Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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