pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
