why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
