I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
