she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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