Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
