Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I wish there were birth control emojis
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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