When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
