id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
