alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
